“In between stimulus and response there is a space;
Victor Frankl
in that space lies our power to choose our response;
in our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
My sons like to bicker. It’s been a struggle since they were very little. My oldest boy was quite literally the golden child; his hair is red but glistens gold in the sun. Needless to say he has received countless comments for his ruddy mane, but his little brother has likely never heard a compliment for his dark brown locks in his life. Their differences go far beyond their mop-tops and into virtually every area of life including personality, academics, and personal tastes. Their pattern of bickering even led me once to tell them a rousing (and somewhat graphic) rendition of the Cain and Abel story out of sheer desperation!
One day while reasoning with them after a fight I had an epiphany that was so profound that it changed the way I think about my personal motivations and even how I counsel my clients.
My eldest son Noah declared, “I cannot get along with Jacob! It is impossible!” I challenged him on this. I said, “Is it truly impossible? As in, there is no possible scenario in which you would be able to go a full day without bickering?”
He said, “No way. I just can’t do it”
I asked him, “What if I told you that if you could get along with your brother for just a single day, I would buy you a brand new Xbox?” Immediately his face twisted into a knowing smirk. He realized that he actually could get along with Jacob for that prize. The reward was just so great. He understood that for a brand new, state-of-the-art video gaming system he could surely be nice to his brother and likely even respond with warmth and grace, even if Jacob taunted him. He knew innately that he had the ability. And I believed him.
And that was the epiphany: If you have the capacity to do something, it means you also have the choice to do it.
Let’s apply this idea to our grown-up situations, shall we?
“I can’t control my temper; he just makes me so mad”
“I can’t lose weight. It is impossible”
“I can’t stop spending. I am a shopaholic”
Perhaps one of these statements is objectively true for you, but for us to know for sure we need to devise a little thought experiment. Let’s say that I told you that I would give you $1,000,000 if you could go a whole week without losing your temper and acting out. Could you hold your tongue for seven days? I bet you could do it, no problem.
Let’s find a harder scenario: What if I offered you that cool million bucks for losing all of your excess weight? Could you do it? I bet you could. Every time you would be tempted to reach for that donut you would remember “No, I can’t eat that because a million bucks are on the line.”
Now what if I told you “If you pick up this car by yourself with your bare hands and lift it over your head, I will give you $1,000,000” Could you do that? The answer is no. It wouldn’t matter how much motivation you had. It wouldn’t matter how much you trained for it. You do not have the capacity to lift a car over your head, even if the reward is extremely high.
That is the trick to knowing how whether any feat is outside the realm of possibility: when thinking through the maximum possible reward for success using your most valuable currency, you will you know for sure whether something is within your power to change. If it still cannot be done, then it is truly out of your hands. It is no longer your responsibility. You are off the hook.
What follows from this is that if you do not have the capacity to do something, it means you also do not have the choice. Thus, saying you cannot do that impossible thing is not merely an excuse. It is objectively true.
The fact is that most of the things we say we are unable to do we are actually simply unwilling to do. I read once about a man who could not seem to lose weight no matter what diet he tried. He would try and fail over and over again. Then his young daughter became sick and required a kidney. Thankfully her dad was a match for donation. However, the doctor told him that he would not operate on the man unless he lost 100 pounds. Guess what? Dad lost those 100 pounds in six months. It was simply intolerable for him to imagine his daughter dying and especially being unable to save her because he was too heavy to do so.
When the cost of inaction is great enough, the motivation appears.
So find that “impossible” thing and test your theory by making the stakes really high. Either offer yourself a mental $1,000,000 carrot or a completely horrific hypothetical stick. Could you do that thing then? Maybe you still wouldn’t be able to do it. If that is the case, you are off the hook and should probably stop ruminating or feeling guilty about it. Really.
However, if you have tried repeatedly to change something that matters to you and have been unsuccessful, but know you could do it for a magical $1,000,000 it is time for a reframe. It likely means that the unconscious math has not been working in your head. Your brain has covertly run a cost-benefit analysis and has decided not to provide you with the needed motivation to complete your goal because it doesn’t seem worth the effort. After all, by sweetening the deal with those million greenbacks your motivation is now something else, isn’t it?
The truth of the matter is that we probably don’t have $1,000,000 at our disposal to motivate us (and if we did, a million bucks wouldn’t necessarily be so motivating, would it?). No, we only have “regular person” costs and benefits to work with (including the costs of inaction). In order to fuel our motivations we have to work with one side of the equation or both. We have to mentally lower the cost to the minimum effective dose; asking how you get the desired outcome with the minimum required cost? How can we maximize or understand the magnitude of what we will get if we succeed (or lose if we fail)?
That process is a whole other kettle of fish and far too much for this post. The big takeaway is that we must be brutally honest with ourselves. When you do you may find that most of your “inability” is actually “unwillingness”.