In the 1999 film The Matrix, Morpheus explains that if you get shot while in the matrix, you will die in real life. Even though the matrix is only a place in the mind- a virtual world created so that sentient AIs could use their dormant human victims as a fleshly power source in the real world- the point is made that the mind controls the body. What the mind believes has happened to the body will actually manifest in the body…sort of.
As I have wrestled with the twin adversaries of obesity and compulsive eating, I have drawn more and more from the narrative of The Matrix to explain what is actually happening inside me when I am tempted by food. I contend that what we crave isn’t actually real, but a fantasy or hallucination promised by our flesh; a fantasy that is never actually fulfilled.
Consider Cypher, the Judas of the film. He is invited by one of the malevolent AI agents to a steak dinner in order that he might reveal the location of Neo, the Christ-figure of the tale. Cypher opines,
“You know, I know this steak doesn’t exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? [Takes a bite of steak] Ignorance is bliss.”
I have realized that this experience is not confined to the matrix. In real life the same thing happens. We don’t crave a thick cut steak. We crave the idea of a steak. I don’t crave cake, but I long for the fantasy of cake and all hope that eating cake would mean.
When I give in, when I eat the cake, this fantasy crescendos just as the first morsel of it touches my tongue. In that moment, the fantasy of my mind and the reality of the situation briefly connect. After that, my brain traditionally goes on autopilot as I scarf down the rest in a dissociated way.
Here is what I find fascinating, however. When I slow down and mindfully attempt to enjoy the cake, the experience falls flat. The cake doesn’t actually taste the way my fantasy would lead me to believe. It is often too sweet or artificial tasting. It’s disappointing.
And truly, I can say that about all kinds of “forbidden” foods. There is no real pleasure in their consumption, aside from a brief carnal spark. In fact, once the flesh has been satisfied, I am flooded with remorse, self-hatred, frustration, and sadness because I know that I have broken a promise to myself. The veil is lifted and I see the experience for what it is: a foolish fantasy.
The challenge is that those harsh feelings are banished outside of my conscious awareness under the recesses of my mind and I am once again enticed by my flesh to eat. Yet the good news is that I now no longer unwittingly get drawn in by phantasmic food. That’s not to say that I never stumble. The difference is that much of the joy of fantasy is gone as I approach that piece of cake because I am aware of what is actually happening.
We could easily extend this idea to all kinds of fleshly desires: the allure of illicit sex, the idea of becoming rich beyond our wildest dreams, or the perceived satisfaction of punching our enemy in the face. These are all fantasies with little bearing on reality. If we had each of these experiences, they would not only fall greatly short but they would likely leave a wake of emotional and real-world destruction.
John (who echoed Jesus, our true Neo) said it best when he warned us about the meaninglessness of the cravings of the world:
“Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh, the desires of the eyes, and the pride of life—is not from the Father but from the world. The world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God remains forever.”
1 John 2:15-17
The good news is that an eternity with God is no fantasy; it is a divine reality that will not disappoint us after the first bite.
Interesting analogy, Sean. But may I posit that sometimes, when there’s special food prepared for a special occasion, and we hardly ever eat that treat, it CAN be a pleasurable experience that lives up to our anticipation– if we eat mindfully and thankfully. I’m thinking of birthday cake, on our own birthday, or pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving. At least that’s my experience, and one of the reasons I refrain from indulging at other times.
Yes, I totally agree. I believe that God has intended that we celebrate with and enjoy food. It is a fundamental part of culture and life and should be thankfully consumed. We certainly saw Jesus do it. I suppose what I am referring to is the compulsive consumption of food. I believe that one of the ways that I have fallen from the ideal that God has intended is in form of a broken relationship with my own appetite and with eating behaviours. I liken it to having a beer at the pub with friends. Jesus did something akin to that too and it can be a categorically positive experience. Yet there are some among us who “cannot handle a social drink”. For them, at least for now, going to the pub for a beer would be a dangerous choice because of where it could lead. In all truth, if I believed that I could stop after one piece of birthday cake and savour it and not be swept up into a torrent of compulsive eating, I would certainly do it. But alas, this has not been the case for me up until this point. And this has been a profoundly sad thing, both for me and my family. Maybe one day I will grow past this (and that is my prayer). Until then, I abide by some relatively strict protocols. And for me, when I eat in a controlled and measured way, I truly do enjoy my food. Thank you for engaging with me on this blog 🙂