This blog is my worst nightmare (and why I should write it)

If we claim to be without sin, 
we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us 
~1John 1:8

Since the age of about 15 I have struggled with food and weight-related issues. Once, in a moment of 19-year-old desperation and conviction, I stood before the church and declared publicly that I would lose weight. I swore before God and men that I would take off the pounds that so held me back both in ministry and in life. Spoiler alert: that didn’t happen. And my failure in this arena was one of the most humiliating things I had experienced up until that point.

My bold public proclamation, combined with my subsequent inability to control my eating, drove me into a deep sense of shame and a pattern of hiding (it is interesting when “persons of size” think about hiding in this way since we are among the few who’s private struggles happen to manifest on their bodies for all to see). Weight became a private battle to fight.

Needless to say, I find myself approaching the public once again, cautiously, in the name of transparency. My hope is that I will find added motivation to live according to some new-found convictions about food and weight.

But there’s something else.

A wise brother once said, “Lead with your limp”. What he meant was that God has given each of us a set of struggles and weaknesses designed to draw us closer to him, to keep us humble, and to glorify Christ.

For the past quarter century I have made this battle about me and have kept it largely to myself. I have rejected the idea that my weight struggle was by design to somehow draw me closer to God. I have desperately dissociated from the idea that I even have this weakness, instead vainly striving to simply make it all go away. In terms of glorifying Christ, I have seen only shame. I imagined that as long as I remained obese that God was ashamed of me. Why would God want to be embarrassed by a fat guy saying “I am his ambassador”?

“My food,” said Jesus, 
“is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work” 
~John 4:34

I recognize that there is a good deal in there to unpack, but we have time. When I was inspired to start this journey, 120 blog topics came instantly to mind and I wrote them down. My current plan is to write about one of those topics every single week for the next 6 months as a form of worship to God and as a form of sustenance as I strive to eat in a way that glorifies him.

My final desire in writing this blog is to serve you. If you have struggled with your weight, if you are tired of quick-fixes and crazy diets, or if you are completely desperate to escape endless cycles of dieting and regaining weight (or bingeing and purging) I can offer something better- something that through the scriptures has been offered to me. I am so glad you are here.

Stay tuned…