I don’t blame you. You have been on this whole weight loss journey thing for a very long time with little long-term success. And the gurus keep saying the same thing: “You need to get serious!” “You aren’t losing weight because you don’t want it badly enough!” Biggest Loser-style trainers are so confusing….they freak out and scream at you, but then their message is “You need to love yourself, darn it!” So is getting really worked up a real solution to the problem? After 20 years of trying and failing, I would like to (calmly) suggest that extreme emotions are not the solution.
Getting really mad at yourself doesn’t work
Emotions come and go. They have no staying power. They are like the weather actually: sometimes you wake up to a blustery day or heavy rainfall, but by the afternoon the skies have parted and the sun pokes out. We would never expect that just because it is raining in the morning it will always be raining. Nor would we say “Now that the sun is out, it will stay sunny forever”. Weather just doesn’t work that way, and neither do our emotions.
Emotions are more like the gas or engine light on your car. It is designed to communicate something to you; often that something is wrong. The trouble comes when we think that the engine light is the engine. They are two separate things. That said, it would also be silly to expect that if the gas light blinks and dings loud enough at us while we’re driving down the road, the car won’t run out of gas before we get to the gas station!
Sometimes we get mad at ourselves because we think that if we dial up the intensity of our feelings it will carry us through. For better or worse, weight loss is a pursuit with an extremely long time horizon. However just like passing clouds, the emotions are short term. They are soon to pass, and with them the motivation to stick to our diet.
My pet theory is that perhaps we try getting mad at ourselves because when we were kids that’s what our parents did to try to bring our behaviour in line. So we know that dance. Anger is a familiar solution to reach for when foolish minds won’t listen. The trouble is that when it comes to trying to “discipline” ourselves there is really no stick. The other “dance partner” (mom or dad) isn’t there anymore. When we cross our own boundaries, who is really there to enforce the consequences?
Something else is needed.
Making a “Hollywood” commitment counts for very little
Similar to getting frustrated and mad at ourselves, is what I call the “Hollywood” moment or
“Oscar winning” commitment. I think you know what I’m getting at. Have you ever watched a movie involving the transformation of a main character? There is almost always a scene where the lead has a dramatic experience or makes a strong commitment to change. We see him or her draw a line in the sand, and this represents a turning point in the movie. Sometimes we are treated to a montage scene- like Rocky training for his big fight and running to the top of the steps with his hands held high. What is the message he is proclaiming to the world? “I am no longer a loser! I’ve got what it takes!”
That works great on film and everything, but in the actual world it isn’t real. It’s just Hollywood. Sorry. Again, emotional highs are not the same as true transformation. I remember one of my own attempted “Hollywood” moments vividly. A decade ago, I had (mistakenly) thought that I couldn’t shake my excess weight because I was unconsciously punishing myself for my past sins (As I have written elsewhere, this is just a story I made up to justify my eating habits, but I digress). I remember deciding that I had to “forgive myself” and write out a list of all of my sins on a piece of paper. I went up a mountain in the winter and huddling beside a small fire I had built, I asked God to help me forgive myself for the past. Then I burned the list. It felt cathartic. I resolved with intensity that I would never hurt my body with food again. That day, I returned from the mountain triumphantly with a renewed hope that my life would be different. Except that the next day I found myself sneaking donuts again, just as if I hadn’t made my dramatic overture of commitment. Like a drug addict, I realized that my words and actions had been virtually meaningless. I later clued in to this stunning truth: my emotions from yesterday will not ensure my integrity today. It just doesn’t work like that. So what DOES work?
A voluntary commitment with simple direction and immediate action is needed
Rather than trying to beat yourself into self-submission through anger or hype your emotions up like you’re at a Tony Robbins seminar, consider taking three simple steps to move forward:
- Make a voluntary commitment. I want you to really think about this. I know you want to lose weight. You’ve been trying for years. You’re probably desperate. I get it. I was there too for a long, long time. But maybe you need to acknowledge that although you want your weight to be lower, another part of you wants to eat what you want to eat just as badly. In addition to your desire to be free from your weight burden, there is a secondary desire or “will” within you that you cannot ignore (more on this in a future post!). What might be needed is to recognize that you have the absolute power of choice. If you commit to making a change, let it only be because you are taking full ownership of it. It’s because you really want it. Most of us fail in our commitments because a part of us remains very, very resentful. We must address this other part. Until we reconcile with that part, we will be doomed to succumb to the whims of it.
- Make a simple plan. That other dark part of us that wants to go crazy at a buffet and lay our diet plans to waste is lurking. What allows it to have its way is ambiguity and confusion. The best meal plan is therefore a very simple one. In order to find success, I learned to swap my “perfect” plan for one that was optimized for sustainability. A manner of eating with clear boundaries. When it is clear that we have crossed one of our eating commitments, we are empowered to hold to those commitments with integrity. This is why Weight Watchers never worked well for me: I found all the loopholes. Fruit is free? Great! I am going to eat 30 oranges! Now for my wife, who lost 100 pounds on Weight Watchers and has kept it off for a decade, the program was perfect. Why? Because if you know her you will understand that she already has a good deal of rule-following integrity. She just followed the program. For me, though, I was a mess. I had to build my integrity muscles first. Choosing a simple plan is the first step.
- Take action. We often think like we need to feel totally ready to start a new thing, but the truth is we will almost never feel ready. It is a trick that the flesh uses to justify eating that next decadent meal. No, we just need to start. So don’t wait until Monday. Or January 1st. Just put one foot in front of the other. When we start with action, that action in turn produces motivation. So take action! 80% of the battle is getting into a solid routine of behaviour. If you have X amount of energy to spend and you can choose between spending it on “getting to the bottom” of why you eat as you do or simply starting a basic habit, spend it on the habit. That will take you WAY further.
That’s it for this week’s blog. I hope you’ll stay with me. I have a lot more to say that I think will help you on your journey. Just know this: You can get there. You can win this battle. You just need better tools. When I got the tools I needed, my 25 year weight battle finally tipped in my favour.
But in the meantime, walk gently with yourself and ditch the heavy emotions. They simply don’t work.